Dear brave student,
Congratulations! I must give you a pat on the back for
making the daunting decision to enter the world of an AP English student. Tough
times lie ahead but trust me, you will get through the countless essays and you
will stand forever grateful that you took on the tasks that no ordinary student
ever would. The things you will discuss in this class will range from awkward
to serious, from laughable to obscure. Every minute of every day will bring an
opportunity to recognize a new potential in yourself or a new light in which to
view the world. AP English will teach you how to write an essay in twenty-five
minutes, a skill most coveted by any procrastinating college student. So, now
that you have made the decision to take on Ms. Serensky’s world, it stands as
my job to teach you how to survive in the wild world of AP English.
Step 1:
Take your parents’ credit card to the nearest CVS, Target,
or OfficeMax. Buy yourself 100 pens (blue, black, and red), two of the biggest
binders you can find (one per semester), and one million sheets of
college-ruled paper. You will need to return to the store to buy more paper
after the first quarter.
Step 2:
Do some hand and finger exercises. Carpal tunnel remains an
unfortunate inevitability for every AP English student. You may as well try to
prevent it for as long as possible.
Step 3:
Please, for the love of Mortimer, do the following for the
only easy points you will ever receive in this class:
1.
TURN IT IN TO TURNITIN.COM.
2.
TYPE ALL PAPERS IN TIMES NEW ROMAN, FONT SIZE 12
WITH 1” MARGINS, DOUBLE SPACED, AND A HEADER.
3.
DO NOT DOODLE ON YOUR PAPERS.
Step 4:
Run a few miles prior to entering the classroom. The arctic
tundra may ironically stand as the first thing to kill you.
Step 5:
If you do not have an intelligent question to ask, do not
ask one at all. Think it over in your head and ask yourself “will Ms. Serensky
want to hurt me after I let this leave my mouth?” The answer? Probably yes.
Step 6:
Have fun. No other class in the high school allows you so
much freedom when it comes to answering a question or talking in a discussion.
No other class in the high school will have an open-ended discussion on why you
remain alone on the holidays, or how you turn into a monster once a month, or
where your opinion lies on tramps named Laurie.
Honestly, there remain many more tips and tricks to survive
your years in AP English but I cannot share with you because that would ruin
your whole experience. You will laugh and cry and cry of laughter; you will
jump for joy and curse the name Elizabeth Strout; but, you will never forget
the hard work and time you put forth on your way to finally receive a hug from
the one and only, Queen Serensky.
Best wishes,
Dshannon: AP English Extraordinaire.
I remember the first time Ms. Serensky graded our journals, and I received around minus five for the amount of doodling on my paper. Needless to say, it never happened again. You talk about it in your paragraph, Shannon, but a true survival guide for AP English is almost impossible. In order to survive, each student needs to make their own mistakes and learn from there.
ReplyDeleteDoodles get me every time. Still, on many occasions, I find I cannot stop myself. If I catch myself doodling, I will occasionally resolve the problem by tearing out the chunk of paper on which I doodled. Ms. Serensky has not yet deducted points for this obfuscatory tactic. I also appreciate your recommendation to buy lots of supplies. As the end of the year nears, I can feel Vicki beginning to hate me a little more every time I pester her for a pen or paper.
ReplyDelete