“Dear Ms. Serensky,
My boyfriend wants to break up, but I do not. Help me!
Sincerely, Desperate & Confused”
Dear Desperate & Confused,
Look, honey, you need to listen to the directions of life:
Wash your hands thoroughly until you have wiped yourself clean of all germs. Your
boyfriend stands as the flu-carrying germ in your life. No one begs to get the
flu unless they hold a serious mental derangement. Do you hold said problem? I
sincerely hope not, and I shall continue on in my advice as if you do not. You
need to make a clean break from this indolent caveman and move on with your
life. Why would you ever want to attach yourself to someone who clearly does not
care about your life, interests, or aspirations? I mean unless your current
love interest stands as Leonardo DiCaprio, I see no benefit in keeping a
relationship sinking faster than the RMS
Titanic. Pun totally intended. (*Side note* If this boyfriend does go by
the name of Leonardo Dicaprio and he acts in many movies, my previous advice
cannot reign as applicable or useful in any way, shape, or form. Hold on to
that man for as long as possible. Do not let go. Ever.) I can tell that you
hold great potential to flourish, individually, into an awesome and independent
person. Do not let one person in a world of seven billion hold you back- that
would fall under the category of “pitifully stupid.” So, with my expert advice,
I suggest that you dump the fool first, and work on finding a real man who will
buy you tampons when you need them. Study diligently and become the
valedictorian to show him who runs the world (the answer: girls). Work hard and
become the most well-respected employee of your work place to teach him how to
fear power. Break a sweat at Zumba to make him regret ever wanting to leave a
sizzler like you. If you find yourself needing more advice on this topic, I
implore you to dive into He’s Just Not
That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. They should definitely
help sort some things out for you mentally. Good luck and remember if you ever find
yourself in a sticky situation, ask yourself: “What Would Bobbie Jo Do?”
Sincerely, Ms. Serensky.
I loved your opening line of "Look, honey," which reminded me of Angela from the TV show Bones, who calls Brennan "sweetie" all the time. With regard to your advice in its entirety, I found your allusions to conversations in class especially amusing. You transitioned wonderfully between anecdotes, which shows your attention to detail during class and allows for the effectiveness of your column from Ms. Serensky's point of view.
ReplyDeleteShannon, I love your blog for its high expectations for a soul mate. I believe that my less-than-exciting personal life also stems from my elevated standards for the opposite gender. This blog reassures me that I should maintain these standards, for maybe a Leo will appear in my life, someday. Hopefully. I think.
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